A 33-year-old bright young woman currently finishing up her education at Harvard, a woman whose career is already so successful that she pays her own tuition while having enough fun, told me yesterday to ”forget about law schools and find a cute, rich husband.”

The entire idea was not completely foreign to me.  I’ve met some three girls of my age saying almost the exact same thing.  It is also how the happy endings to most Korean dramas look like.  But coming from such an Alpha girl, it still occurred to me as a mild shock.  

She made me imagine I’m a 33-year-old living in Seoul, and just met a person, probably work-related.  After a few minutes of a friendly chat, the person asks how old I am, and I answer.  The next question immediately following is bound to be: “what does your husband do?”  I answer that I’m single, and we both try to move onto a new topic with awkward smiles.  What about if I’m 40?  The same person would most likely ask questions about my kids.  The same awkwardness will ensue for the rest of our conversation.

Really? THAT’s the reasons behind your heinous advice? To avoid those awkward moments with all the strangers you probably don’t really need to care much? Does it really matter?

It does, according to this friend of mine.  That short response acknowledging the fact that you’re still single at an age most people would assume as marriageable in fact establishes you as an anomaly among all the other people who marry at the “right ages.” And no matter how weird or unconventional or fiercely feminist you are, you don’t want that.

However, I soon realized how this whole frustration over not-being-able-to-not-get-married, a whiny voice of an Ivy League-educated successful young woman that many would label as elitist, is just not necessary after all.  I say the same thing for people who say they are “against long distance relationships” or they’re “not looking for anything serious right now,” when they’re not actually in a relationship at the moment.  These comments by single females and males are just so not necessary.  People talk about relationships largely based on their limited observations and previous experiences.  No one knows how the next person you fall in love will be like, whether the person would fit into those “principles” you’ve set up for yourself following the failure of your previous relationships.  Only later do we realize how silly it was to let go of a person because we were afraid of having a LDR or because we were not looking for something serious atm.

Same thing for this woman friend, but an anti-relationship version.  You’re successful.  You’re intelligent.  You’re a socially functional human being whose life is filled with friends and family of all ages and genders.  If the reason why you’re telling a 20-year-old fellow woman to get a husband instead of a doctorate degree is because you feel vulnerable towards those eyes looking at you as an anomaly (specifically in this tiny little country), you might not deserve your college degrees and salaries.  You said you’re jealous of your friends happily married to rich men instead of shoving abstruse knowledge into your brain -  no one knows who will be the real happy one, say five years later.  You may realize later how unnecessary it was to give this “life advice” to a girl who looks up to you as her role model, who dreams of a life full of intellectual and professional exploration but not of marriage.

라면 부셔서 오도독 오도독 깨물어 먹고 싶다 ㅜㅜ

다른 사람한테 상처주는 말은 절대 하지 않는 능력이 나에게 있었음 좋겠다.  내가 좋아하는 만큼 좋아한다 말해주고 놀란 만큼 놀라주고 웃긴 만큼 웃어주고 싶다.

오늘 오후에 왠지 마음이 공허해서 글 쓰는것도 미루고 책읽는 것도 미루고 효주랑 둘이 얘기하다가 문득 왜 기분이 싱숭생숭한지 알았다. 너무 매일매일 공부만 하고 친구들이랑 마음놓고 놀지도 못하고 항상 연애에 관한 얘기는 하는데 진짜 연애는 못하고 수영도 하고 피아노도 하루종일 치고 싶은데 그러지도 못하니까. 하지만 무엇보다 가장 큰 이유는 보고싶은 사람이 아무도 없다는 거였다. (많이 사랑하는 엄마 아빠도 보고싶다고 느낀 적은 별로 없다)

하지만 침대에 앉아서 창문 밖만 내다보고 있자니 혜련이가 많이 보고 싶어졌다. 여고 시절 우리동네 살던 유일한 친구. 고등학교 2학년 때 베트남에서 전학을 왔는데 하얀색 반팔 블라우스 입고 149번 버스 타고 같이 집에 오던 것도 생각나고 지민언니가 터키로 이사가던 날 우리반에 와서 나 붙잡고 울던 일도 생각난다. 내가 하나도 안 그리운 디베이트 클럽도 혜련이 때문에 조금 그리워졌고 영어시험 친 날 혜련이가 한국말로 lava가 뭔지 몰라서 답안지에 “뜨거운 lava“라고 썼던것도 생각났다. 졸업하고 나서 대학가기 전 여름동안 둘이 같이 마음먹고 공부도 했었고 우리 둘 다 꽤 열심히 돈을 벌었었는데 틈틈이 만나서 수다도 떨었다.  작년 겨울방학 땐 나랑 엄마랑 뜨개질 하고 있는데 혜련이가 놀러와서 엄마는 좋은 냄새가 나는 커피를 내려 줬고 혜련이가 같이 방바닥에 앉아서 털실 돌돌 마는 걸 도와줬다.  내가 첫 남자친구랑 헤어진 무렵 혜련이는 많이 좋아하는 사람을 만난 것 같고 그래서 오랜시간 동안 많이 힘들어 한 것 같다.  안 본지 너무 오래 됐지만 나는 혜련이 냄새도 기억나고 참 보들보들한 머리카락도 생각난다.

빨리 만나서 백 번 껴안아 주고 싶은 혜련이.